Looking for me?

http://thankugangsta.vox.com/

I am moving to a new blogger

Sorry, it has been real. Know that I will be here from time to time, mainly to check the archives. I learned a lot about me here. I learned even more about the way I am perceived. I gained so much here. But I need pictures, I need clips, I need more SPPPPPPAAAAAAAAACE.

You should really try and find me, cause there is so much good news happening.

"...and then like that he was gone..."

OH yeah, I love LA.

15 days and counting

I mean, really, what is there to write about. That's why I have been gone. If you really want to know, I haven't been inspired. The other day there was Superman Returns. One of the best I have seen so far, and this is from a true Superman fan. I like the whole nobody knows that this mild mannered reporter has great powers thing. But other than those few things...nothing. Not really inspired.

Cee-Lo said, "In no fashion have I lost my passion for the pen, it's just that lately life has been a lot less inspiring."

Watched the BET awards. Started off watching the first two acts with the peoples. They are 61 a piece, and opinionated. I didn't really want to have to defend T.I.'s sagging pants and the sound guys miscues, so I ended up watching it alone. Glad I left the room after Jigga man smack lady B on the B.

I am about to turn 25; a milestone. Most cats I know had a mini crisis at this age. They began to realize that 30 is coming. Who cares? It's been coming, let it come. Now women? That is a whole nother story. The women I have been involved with...

check day 14 and counting

You and I

I guess we are not really so different. I mean, really, we are the same. We were cut from the same cloth. (Even though my people picked it) We have been fed the same bread (even though my sacrament is to brake and eat it). But all in all we are the same.

Fortunately, you all have been distracted. You have been caught up in prestidigitation. Slight of hand, if you will. You all took the blue pill (actually, you crushed it up and snorted it). It has you caught in, or rather weaving the tangled web. What are you going to do when it can no longer support your weight. You will fall without end and filled with nothing but the hopes that next web has been woven fast enough to catch you (all).

I hope that it is.

Can you keep a secret?

You'd be surprised to know that this came to me in a dream. On second thought, you shouldn't be surprised at all. I used to call you and replay my dreams to you until I could figure them out. This one I don't need your help for. Maybe you'll need mine, either way this dream is yours. I have often conjured up dreams so real that they felt as though they weren't mine. How can you be such an anxious and attentive audience member in your own subconcious? It's simple. Supression.

"I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad.
Everyone has a secret
Oh can they keep it?
Oh no they can't"
-A. Levine

There is no need to make mention of those things you are that I never want again. It is equally as pointless to speculate about that which I am which by now, I hope you have decided you are much better off without. None of those things maintain any presence in my mind. You see, I don't spend any significant amount of time reminding myself of why I left you. I don't gloat in the making of a good decision. I don't relive the "at-a-boy's" and "good job's" that I never gave myself.

What I did was allow deal breakers to improperly punctuate sentences with conclusion when at the very least they should have been allowed to remain as interrogatives, if not...(ellipses)

What I do is spend way too much time ignoring the places inside of me that were only yours.

What I did was wait just long enough to not be able to make any decision other than the one I made. And I know that it was purposeful.

Can you keep a secret? Okay. I woke up to realize that you may have been the best woman to love me. Do you understand that? That means that with all things considered, you may have been the woman who, in my lifetime, would have loved me most completely and properly. That isn't to say that you were the woman I should have been with, because we are not and will not be. What I am saying is that I may have matured to the age and experience where I can feel the whole that we were. I know what completion is in a relationship. And we were. Completion.

But here is the head scratcher: You will not ever love another the way you loved me. That is not arrogant, that is real. I felt your love more than anyone. More than you. I knew how hard you loved me, yes more than you knew. That is why I left. Because I knew I didn't deserve that love at that time. I knew I couldn't return that love at that time. And in looking back, I know that I was correct. To this day I know I was correct. But also on this day...

I know how well I could love you. Right now. I know I deserve that love right now. I know how that kind of shared love, experienced now, would change the world. But since that love is no more, since that love lies covered in a place where only fondness of memories can kiss the lips of recollection, I wish you the closest love we had with whomever loves you with truth. Because I did. I still do.

Caring for Karen and Sharing with Sharon

...late Sunday night. I have had myself a glass of red and a glass of white. No big deal, save the fact that I haven't had anything to drink in QUITE SOME TIME. Well, I had a glass last weekend in NY, but for the most part, I have been real easy on drinking at all. No, I don't have a problem. Far from Betty Ford, but I just decided to lay off. I think sometimes you have to do that. If you let liquor, music, or anything aside from religion remain a constant part of your life, your maturity will be stunted. Well, you evaluation of your maturity anyway. You will be unable to evaluate your life without that noun.

At any rate, been up to a lot of stuff. Where to begin? I have been working, yes I know...George has a job. Where? (title should be a hint) Well, that is not as important as the fact that I have been stuggling with the balance between it and my "other" job. Granted, being a starving artist is cute when they are observing you for RENT or some other Bohemian-like play, television series, etc. But even the artist has to eat. I grabbed a part time joint in an effort to remind myself of what I never want to HAVE to do. But I am soooo very good at it, that they keep calling me and scheduling more appointments for me that I want. It is somewhat depressing. All of the people I work with are making a career out of what they do. I notice that they truly fit their lives into the hours they have off from work. They schedule their truest passions and most earnest desires into the hours after 5 and before 9...and weekends. Not me, every time I walk through the doors, I realize that I could be using the time so much more productively. Don't let your reality squeeze your dream out of your head.

"JRenee" says she might start blogging again. I really hope she does. She has had a little man for some months now. I guess-timate some months, because she told me about it a few weeks ago, so that probably means she had him for a second. I wish her the best. Really I do. But I will also help her draft the "Dear John" if she needs. LOL.

Um...Jigga is still the best. R.I.P. B.I.G.
Inside Man? OH you mean you haven't seen it yet? So then you aren't ready to talk about the fact that Spike brought back the BOMB (it makes you get your freak on?!?!?) or the desensitization of the young boy eating pizza, playing vidoe games in the safe? Okay, I will wait on you.

Capote...Ray...Malcom X. Yeah they stand ALONE. And yes I am including Nixon. I love Hopkins as much as the next guy.

I really want to write about my current situation. Mostly because I want to figure it out. I want to put it on paper. But a while ago I let too many people know that I blogged. And those same people who all saw Malcom Lee's "The Best Man" would never believe me when I said it had nothing to do with them.....so for that reason alone, I created another blog. One that nobody knows about. I will write the rest of my thoughts there...than maybe I can figure them out.

Thought this was going to be a much more revealing/interesting entry...but I am lazy...and I want to get to the good stuff. See you on the other joint.

Life passes in a flash...

God bless the man who captured his...with a flash.

Filmmaker and photographer Gordon Parks, the first black director to achieve success in Hollywood, has died at his New York City home at the age of 93.

Who will carry the torch?

The 78th Annual Academy Awards-“A Return to Glamour”

That it was! With the extended coverage of the pre-show activities to whet the appetite and please the eye, it became obvious early on that this would be a night on which the stars would shine brighter than the flashing bulbs of the eager photographers who caught their every twinkle. From bejeweled bodices to trains longer than those run by Three Six Mafia in whatever hotel room they would occupy that evening, Hollywood’s best arrived in fine fashion to remind us of why we go to the movies.

“Martin Scorsese 0- Triple Six Mafia-1”—John Stewart

If there was ever a job interview disguised as a debut-hosting gig this was it. You can bet your ascot, Morgan Freeman, that the Daily Show’s host will have a Yearly Show hosting job perennially. Appropriate, Daily quipped early in the evening that Walk the Line was Ray with white people. It was this loosening of the belt around the waistline of racial, socio-ecomomic, political, and Semitic lines that told the story behind the other box score:

White hosts-77 Black Hosts-1 (Whoopi, I’m cutting you a break)

The show began with the first of many homage montage pieces that honored the hallmarks of American Cinema. Immediately following was a piece introducing John Stewart as this year’s host amongst the cannon of former Oscar hosts including, but thankfully not limited to, Chris Rock. Needless to say, apart from his Brokeback spoof with the “TV- has-added-30lbs-to-my face” Billy Crystal, Rock’s color commentary was appreciably absent.

“Raise your hand if you were not in Crash.”—John Stewart

Stewart began the show with a casual monologue that, true to forms of old, recognized the attendance of the Academy Award nominees.

The Academy doesn’t make too many mistakes. Well, there was the herding of the nominees onto the stage last year. Opting to allow this year’s nominees to remain seated, they were able to avoid the potential embarrassment of a pageant fourth runner up. This year’s producers set a beautiful backdrop for the likes of triple nominee, George Clooney who took this year’s first award for Best Supporting Actor in Syriana. As Clooney began to speak music began to play and was initially a distraction. In past productions we had become accustomed to hearing music as the indication to “Wrap it up B!” However this year each awardee’s speech was scored, which gave each acceptance speech the potential to be memorable. A return to glamour indeed.

With this return to glamour was a flooding of dry humor, led by our host with the most—dry humor that is. An award show is as much about the nominees as it is about the host. Stewart’s presence set the stage for such brilliant comedic bits as those delivered by Tom Hanks, Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell & Steve Carell. It was this duo’s commitment to their hilarious introduction to the nominees for Best Make up that will make room for comedic actors for years to come. As for Ben Stiller and the Amazing Green colored unitard? Quite possibly the most entertaining moment of the evening. Brilliant. But no presentation was better written, rehearsed, and executed than the introduction of the Honorary Oscar given to Robert Altman. Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin were kindred. If you missed it, you need to call that friend with TiVo.

“I am concerned that Triple Six Mafia is gonna get into it with Itzak Pearlman’s posse backstage”—John Stewart

“Sprint’s has no idea how to handle the number of calls crossing their lines right now” –Joe Carlos, (said after 3-6 was awarded.)

And I am sure cell busy signals were heard for the first time. It is insane how I felt like “we (had) overcome” for the briefest of seconds. Then I thought of the disparaging comments that would soon be uttered by bourgeoisie black mothers and fathers everywhere. I knew what kind of jokes they were making in Dollywood. I knew that when 3-6 got to the stage the Academy Awards would turn into the Source Awards, replete with bleeps thanks to the delay.

But then, I thought about Queen Latifah and Ludacris. I even thought about the first artist to win a Grammy for Hip-Hop, Will Smith. Rap artist’s whose lives were changed by exposure. I thought about all the people in M-town, who have never left M-town and got a chance to see one of their own at the Oscars. A program they might have never watched otherwise.

Besides all that, their performance was damn good. It was well choreographed; and having Taraji spotlight at the end made it respectable. The song was everything that it should have been. You don’t like the subject matter that’s on you.

I truly believe that the Triple Six Mafia was the most appreciative Academy Award winners that evening. It was written all over their faces and maybe soon all over their bodies. What other Oscar winners do you know who will probably get an Oscar tatted on their neck?

This production was seamless, sensational, and left nothing to be desired...well except for an award nominated role. In due time...


Did anyone else...

*know that Wolfgang Puck employed 350 cooks and 900 waiters in preparing the evening’s meal?
*wonder why they showed Michael Lomax as many times as they did?
*hear the winner of the Animated Short Film thank his “Talented Life Partner”?
*start missing Beyonce when Dolly Parton came on stage alone?
*love George Clooney for mentioning Hattie McDaniel?
*like the bowties on the awards?
*think the penguins were overdone?
*marvel at the editing for the Gay Cowboy movie montage?
*hear John Stewart say “effete”?
*see the trailer for Crash: The musical?
*hear the woman with Paul Haggis (Crash) thank her wife?
*hear a commentator say that Triple Six would use their Oscar to make a set of grillz?
*think that Clooney saying ‘no’ was a little Brokeback?
*feel disappointed in almost every acceptance speech? (Good one Reese)
*want Selma Hayek and J.Lo to announce the

Jumping the Gun, er, I mean broom

In the last week I have found out about 1-2-3-4, maybe 5 engagements in my peer group.

I don't think it is the same as it was for our parents. They got married, because that is what you did as soon as you got a good job. Your next mission was to find a woman and buy a station wagon. Understandably so. They were the Baby Boomers, their call was to procreate, which to them included marriage.

For us marriage is punctuation. We are the children that grew up with computers. We are the first generation that can dare to dream anything we want to because of the infinite possibilities promised to us by education, technology, and for many of us wealth. Maybe it is because I am single, but if I meet one more girl who says "I don't want you wasting my time, cause my clock is ticking" I am going to scream! I got a LOT of dating left in this body.

I ain't thinking bout that! I got much to do prior to popping the question.

My cousins who have been married for about 2 or 3 years, recently found out they are pregnant. It is such a joy to hear two young people be excited about pregnancy--after marriage. After having consoled so many of my boys through the roughest 2-3 weeks of their lives, it is refreshing to be reminded of how rewarding the gift of life can be.

"I want our parenting to come from planning."
-Com Sense, the sure shot.

Jack and Jill went up the Hill

Jack:"Hey Baby"
Jill: "Hey, how u?"
Jack: "Good. Can I tell you something?"
Jill: "Anytime. Everytime"
Jack: "You are the sweetest thing I've ever known."
Jill: "Like a kiss on the collar bone? Sorry, I had to."
Jack: "It's okay. You ARE the soft caress of happiness. You are beautifully engaging."
Jill: "That's sweet of you to say."
Jack: "It is so easy to say when it is so plain to see."
Jill: "So poetic you are."
Jack: "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. I could not be poetic and you would still be a poem."
Jill: "You are too much!"
Jack: "You are always just enough...just right."

maybe I will never be satisfied, but I will be Better...

I watch movies and television the way I am sure chefs eat. I would imagine that it would be hard for a world-class chef to simply order from a menu without looking at all of the selections. I imagine it would be even harder to enjoy the lamb without calculating just how much Rosemary he would have seasoned the lamb with. This is how I watch movies, with a critical eye. As a critic should.

Joe tells me I don't watch nearly enough movies. Geoff tells me I am not nearly dedicated enough. But Adonis said it best.

"When you watch yourself, why aren't you as critical of you as you are of them? Are you afraid to admit what you would say about your performance if it was someone else? Don't be afraid of it, embrace that."

Today I came to the realization that maybe I will never be satisfied, but I will be better. I watched the footage of the show and I was in disbelief. I didn't believe me, others may have, but I didn't. Not nearly enough. I know me, so that is not too harsh. The best part is being able to admit it. It raises the bar. I was unsatisfied.

But it was better than the first time, which WAS good. Just wait...

"This is Food for thought you do the dishes"
-You know who.

Let me catch you up

Wow, things have moved very quickly since the last time we spoke, huh? I suppose you know nothing of the recent piercings and tatt's huh? Yeah I might have forgotten to mention those.

I guess the best thing for me to do is just give you my thoughts on some of the things that have been happening since we last sat down to turn pages together:

1. I am not a Tyler Perry fan. I feel like the wool is being pulled over our eyes. Sort of like "There's trouble in the Huxtable House tonite" when Olivia is being a pest and getting her way and nobody but Rudy can see it. Great episode, Charmaine, Pam, AND Vanessa on the backups.

2. How do y'all feel about that young little jubilee singer they have on American Idol this season. She reminds me of the younger, darker, female version of Al Jarreau. She has incredible control. Her voice is refreshing. She could have waited a year, but hell.

3. Snowman vs. Technology. It snowed around 22 inches a week or so ago. It was ridiculous. Cabs pulled over in the city. And as I walked away from my neighbors newly shoveled pathway with $50 in my hand (sheeeeeet... no taxes!) I noticed not one snowman on the whole block. Kids got iPods and XBox 360s, who wants to build a snowman? Shame. Real shame.

4. I need to read more. And I ain't talking bout online where anything can be published anywhere without fear of retribution in most instances. I mean books. Where there is the truimph of completion.

5. I have never had a surprise birthday party. My birthday was/is always in the summer when all the neighborhood kids were away. Or when I got to college, all the neighborhood kids had gone back home.

6. The show is going to Dallas...soon. DVD looks hot. Lots of work to do. Little time. Feeling confident

7. Fell in love over the phone. Always wait till you can fall in love in person. That kind of thing only works for Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

8. I called the whole Dave Chappelle thing. Made me think early: What if YOU were responsible for all the white people that dared to try saying their "nigger" jokes by the coffee pots and water coolers every Monday and Thursday mornings? What if the real culprits were only you and 50? Well, you know 50 don't care, don't you think you would start to?

9. With that, I don't think his cannon of works suggests in any way shape or form that he should be on Inside the Actor's Studio. I feel you Dave, I was just as suprised as you were. Propoganda again.

10. I am glad I never got a tattoo. But I wish I could find my earrings before my holes close up for real.

That's all for now. I might be back, I might not be. You mighta missed me, you might not have. You might read this, you might not.

From Senator Obama

After 5 Before 9 Production Company
The Tragedy of Any1Man
c/o Kristen Jarvis
BY HAND

Dear George, Brandon, and Benny:

This is just a quick note to congratulate you on the opening of "The Tragedy of Any1Man" in Philadelphia. Black Men face a unique set of challenges in America today. You are engaging difficult issues head-on, and I commend you for that.

One-person performances are among the most difficult for writers, drirectors, and of course, the actor. I can't claim to be a thespian, but I know what it's like to stand up alone before a roomful of people. It isn't easy for me--and I often get a Tele-Promp-Ter.

Kristen tells me George and Brandon have done a great job writing the show, and that Benny has really brought it all together. When the curtain opens, George, break a leg.

Sincerely,
Barack Obama

My First One...yes, I came close to tears.

George -

You were loud, outgoing, funny, the class clown. You used your humor and your energy to talk about important topics that people were afraid to talk about in Eastern High School: gender, race, class, stereotypes and
prejudices. You were "popular" because of the volume of your voice and your comedy.

I was quiet, shy (maybe, but mostly scared). I thought similar thoughts about race and gender and stereotypes and class, but was scared. I didn't have the "popularity" power to open those discussions.

We were in Mrs. O'Keefe's 9th Grade AP English class together. We were both in a talent show one year. I opened the show with an immature (maybe, but I was proud of it) poem I wrote in English class - I was scared to read it on stage...

Right before the curtain opened you said, "Do you have something important
you want to say to all those people out there?" I said, "Yes, I really do." You said, "Well, tell them."

Those words helped me get up the guts and the energy to say what I wanted to say, and I'm still proud of myself for doing it. And still very thankful to you for saying what you said to me. You probably don't even remember saying it.

You are about to have your own "One Man Show" in Philadelphia. I'm sure this is just the beginning for you. You have always had important things to say to people. So I'm writing to tell you that I am proud to know you, and I just want to remind you, that as you continue to get larger and larger audiences, all you really need to do is "tell them."

I have just been hired as a Baltimore City Public School Art Teacher. I live in Baltimore City. I will be teaching in schools where the majority of students are below the poverty line, and are African American. I hope that maybe I can have you come speak to my new students sometime over the next year or so, as I get more settled into the job. I would love to have a person who I know come talk to them about what the real world is like - and what it's like to work as an artist who is just starting to "make it."

George, congratulations!
I don't know if I will make it up to Philly for your show, but I'm going to try.
If not, maybe you can bring it to Baltimore next.

Take care,
Julia Gumminger

Reliable like how?

Out of a pain these thoughts are born. Today I was on the computer and I got an instant message from a young lady with whom I used to sing in the Youth Choir. She recently had a child by a young Muslim man who was subsequently incarcerated. Not wanting to put all her business out there, I mention this to explain to you why and how she was estranged from me. We started talking again, leading into the Thanksgiving season at which time I asked her if she had heard from her cousin, Nikki. I had been estranged from her as well. Nikki held most of my adolescent attention. It wasn't until I was promoted as a junior in high school that I could even go to sleep without begging God for her. We were friends, she was smarter in the streets than I was. I was attracted to her rough ends as much as she was attracted to my polished ones.

Couple of Youth Group trips to Ocean City, couple of Lock-ins, couple of kisses, plenty of notes on Church Bulletins. Then--the Sophomore Cottilion. I asked, she answered, we planned. Did I mention that she had a nose ring? Oh, well she did-- and Mom and Dad said "No". I believe that they were successful in their long term goal for denying our date, because it was this "unreliability" that led Nikki to stop answering my phone calls and as recently as today gave her the ammunition to tell her cousin not to give me her contact information and not to accept mine.

Later on in the day:
I have been calling her my best friend for perhaps two years longer than I should have. For today it became painfully obvious that she didn't claim me as the same. I suppose it has been out of habit, I have never been good at the break up. There have been numerous times I was on my way to visit her, even more times have I canceled. But each and every time it has been for the same uncontrollable, ultimately unreliable reason. Money.

Today she told me that both her mother and boyfriend (soon to be fiance')question my role in her life. They question my "reliability". Word? Boyfriend, makes sense...I don't want my woman having a man friend I can't substantiate and haven't met. But mom? Man that hurts. Not so much because the question was raised, but because no retort of rebuttal was offered. But a question was offered when we talked today.

Do you consider yourself to be reliable?

Well, my first answer was "Yeah, but sometimes things are out of my control." Weak answer, I know. But I was hurt by the implication in the question. And do you know how embarrassing it is to always be constrained by finances???

Yielding the same or compatible results in different clinical experiments or statistical trials. That's what reliable is. Reliable is a constant. I am not a constant. I am a variable, often subject to the limitations of my pockets. I have made amazing things happen with $10 and the willingness to take the bus, but let's face it you can't serve Ramen for Thanksgiving. Why? Well, because everyone around me can't handle having Ramen for Thanksgiving--and they shouldn't have to.

And they won't have to.

For 2006, I pledge not to bring anyone down on my way up. And if I have brought you down thus far with my "wretched unreliability" please let me know, promptly. I have done you a grand disservice, and I do not wish to subject you to me any longer.

Happy New Year!