Reliable like how?

Out of a pain these thoughts are born. Today I was on the computer and I got an instant message from a young lady with whom I used to sing in the Youth Choir. She recently had a child by a young Muslim man who was subsequently incarcerated. Not wanting to put all her business out there, I mention this to explain to you why and how she was estranged from me. We started talking again, leading into the Thanksgiving season at which time I asked her if she had heard from her cousin, Nikki. I had been estranged from her as well. Nikki held most of my adolescent attention. It wasn't until I was promoted as a junior in high school that I could even go to sleep without begging God for her. We were friends, she was smarter in the streets than I was. I was attracted to her rough ends as much as she was attracted to my polished ones.

Couple of Youth Group trips to Ocean City, couple of Lock-ins, couple of kisses, plenty of notes on Church Bulletins. Then--the Sophomore Cottilion. I asked, she answered, we planned. Did I mention that she had a nose ring? Oh, well she did-- and Mom and Dad said "No". I believe that they were successful in their long term goal for denying our date, because it was this "unreliability" that led Nikki to stop answering my phone calls and as recently as today gave her the ammunition to tell her cousin not to give me her contact information and not to accept mine.

Later on in the day:
I have been calling her my best friend for perhaps two years longer than I should have. For today it became painfully obvious that she didn't claim me as the same. I suppose it has been out of habit, I have never been good at the break up. There have been numerous times I was on my way to visit her, even more times have I canceled. But each and every time it has been for the same uncontrollable, ultimately unreliable reason. Money.

Today she told me that both her mother and boyfriend (soon to be fiance')question my role in her life. They question my "reliability". Word? Boyfriend, makes sense...I don't want my woman having a man friend I can't substantiate and haven't met. But mom? Man that hurts. Not so much because the question was raised, but because no retort of rebuttal was offered. But a question was offered when we talked today.

Do you consider yourself to be reliable?

Well, my first answer was "Yeah, but sometimes things are out of my control." Weak answer, I know. But I was hurt by the implication in the question. And do you know how embarrassing it is to always be constrained by finances???

Yielding the same or compatible results in different clinical experiments or statistical trials. That's what reliable is. Reliable is a constant. I am not a constant. I am a variable, often subject to the limitations of my pockets. I have made amazing things happen with $10 and the willingness to take the bus, but let's face it you can't serve Ramen for Thanksgiving. Why? Well, because everyone around me can't handle having Ramen for Thanksgiving--and they shouldn't have to.

And they won't have to.

For 2006, I pledge not to bring anyone down on my way up. And if I have brought you down thus far with my "wretched unreliability" please let me know, promptly. I have done you a grand disservice, and I do not wish to subject you to me any longer.

Happy New Year!